Don't Call Me Christian (At Least Not Right Now)

The Kim Davis rally livestream showed up on my new feed during my afternoon Facebook fix. In the video footage of her release from jail, he takes the stage on a flatbed semi-trailer, flanked by presidential candidate Gov. Mike Huckabee. The crowd gathered erupts with applause as she comes up the stairs, and my heart sinks, even as I am entranced with what I'm seeing.. He gives her the microphone. The crowd's roar distorts my cheap desktop speakers, and my stomach twists into a tight knot.

Gov. Huckabee, along with her lawyer, Matthew Staver, console her as she weeps, and then, Kim Davis begins to speak through her sobs, "Thank you all so much. I love you all so very much," she said.

"She sounds so nice and sincere, and yet I cannot stand her!?" I think to myself as the rally goers again burst into applause, chanting "I'm with Kim! I'm with Kim!"

I feel physically ill, as, still sobbing into the microphone, she continues, "I just want to give God the glory. His people have rallied, and you are a strong people." Gov. Huckabee nods in approval. "We serve a living God who knows exactly where each and every one of us is at. Just keep on pressing. Don't let down, because he is here. He's worthy."

She raises her arms in apparent victory and the crowd again cheers wildly. My entire body quivers and  I feel like I might vomit.

Completely repulsed, I swing my desk chair around and go for a walk.

(Before I go any further, I want all of you pastor/counselor/fixer types to just stop right there. I'm not writing this blog for your sympathy, empathy, or affirmation. I'm writing with brutal honesty in order to name something very raw and extremely personal. You're not going to fix it by trying to convince me how we need to reclaim the word "Christian." Or make yourself feel better by trying to offer condolences and reminders that "not all Christians are like that." You're right about the word Christian, and I'm fully aware that not everyone is Kim Davis. There- argument over. Back to my post.)

I cannot begin to explain how foreign Kim Davis' version of Christianity felt to me. Never in my life had I felt like an outsider to the faith I know so intimately. Nothing I observed resembled anything vaguely familiar with what I understand it means to be Christian. Up until today, I was comfortable being called a Christian. Today, I don't know. Today it feels like more of an insult than an identity. The visceral reaction I had to what I saw shook me to the core. As I walked the halls at work I decided two things:

1) Either that's not Christian or I'm not Christian; and 

2) I'm writing a blog tonight when I get home. 

As I sit, ponder, and write my blog this evening, it occurs to me that the Kim Davis rally also looked eerily familiar...

Before my conversion experience called seminary, I too was a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, 'Merica-loving Christian. I know this language all too well, as it used to be a deeply entrenched part of my identity. I knew when the crowd was going to cheer and why they were cheering. I connected with the passion that drove the young man to create the sign: "We ought to obey God rather then men. -Acts 5:29." And I know the depth of commitment Kim feels as she stands against homosexuality, because I lived it.

I took my first paid ministry position as a junior in high school, and continued on in ministry long after I really wanted to do something else. The whole time I was thinking, "If I could become a good enough minister, then God will finally fix me, and I would no longer be gay."

Self-reflection is good for the soul, because, tonight, I am reminded, once again, that the very nature of our being is to grow, to change, to encounter new ideas that expand our horizons. And yet so often we build our lives to shelter us from this very truth. At it's core, fundamentalism is designed to shelter its adherents from that which is at the very core of being human - progress.

French philosopher, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, put it this way, "Progress is the soul of the universe." The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. reminded us, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice." And it was Jesus who entreated his followers, "‘You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy...but I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...'"

So, here I am. It's 12:30 am, I've been wrestling with this post since 6:30 pm, and I still don't have a conclusion. The beauty of progress is that life doesn't always wrap itself up in a pretty little packaged conclusion, and therefore, neither do I, but if you're curious, feel free to check back with me later.

Sometimes, you are just too big for us God.
We study in hopes of understanding you,
Discuss in hopes of explaining you,
Pray in hopes of discerning you
Seek in hopes of finding you,
And just as we begin to feel we have our minds wrapped around
the complexities of you,
We find ourselves once again lost in the mystery.

Sometimes, you are just too big for us God.
We long for a sense of belonging.
And so we seek out people with whom we can agree.
We hunger for being right,
And so we dig deeper, the chasm that separates us
from those who are wrong.
We yearn for security in a world torn to shreds in disagreement
And so we build stone walls and picketed fences
on our lands and in our hearts.
and so we confess that sometimes reconciliation looks better
on a bulletin insert than it does
in the living out of its reality.

Sometimes, you are just too big for us God.
And the reality is, we need you to be just that.

What we desire most, Oh God, is to be who it is you call us to be –
A movement for wholeness in a fragmented world.
And we need a God big enough to keep luring us into that reality.

Weave us together, oh God.
Stir our spirits to reach out across the chasms of disagreement
that divides our world

Inspire our hearts to see every human as your beloved child

And renew our minds with the mysterious wonderment of who you are…

Sometimes you are just too big for us God, and for that we give thanks!

Making Room for Vulnerability

Galatians 1:11-24

People can change. Really, they can. I seem to forget that sometimes. I’m so caught up in the here and now of life – the struggles and stress of dealing with people and their quirks; the rush to get “stuff” done; and, mostly, the monotony of the everyday – that I skim right over the opportunities for growth and change, for myself and others. Change comes through intimate encounters. When our vulnerabilities are exposed and acknowledged, and/or compassionately confronted, change can happen. However these moments take time – they take awareness – they take a willing openness – and they take courage…

You know those moments that I am talking about… those brief encounters… those couple extra words which made an ordinarily phrased response to, “How are ya doing?” mean so much more than what was at the surface; or the young person who steps into my office, and just plops down in a chair – its less than an hour before youth starts, and there is still planning that needs to be done – do I get up from my computer and take a moment to be present and available or do I halfheartedly listen, my head buried in the unfinished worksheet on the computer? or, when a friend sets me down so that we can talk, because they need me to know that what I said hurt their feelings…

Those brief encounters when… a butterfly is busy, “being a butterfly,” fluttering from flower to flower, and yet its present, delicate, beauty conveys to you so much more… an amber hazed sunset, dazzled with hues of pinks, purples, and blues, calls to the depths of your soul, and stuns the heart with wonder… an new idea or concept shatters your world view, replacing it with a lens more closely focused to the heart of God…

We all can testify about these encounters in our own lives, both moments we expected and those that caught us by surprise. The question for us today, however is this… “How much room are we making in the monotony of our lives to experience an encounter with the transformative power of vulnerability?”

Feeling Full in a Half Empty World

Galatians 1:1-10

Wow… what a crazy two weeks it has been. Two weekends ago was FallFest, and at the last minute I was needed to go as our sponsor. That was fine until I was also needed to be a small group leader, which left me no time to work on homework over the weekend. The following weekend was my birthday weekend, and as things played out, most of my weekend was booked. On Sunday, the pumpkins arrived, which tied up most of the afternoon, and then, that evening, was board meeting. So needless to say, I have found myself slacking on my commitment to myself and my journal. Oh well, such is life… sometimes we need to give ourselves some grace and then step back into the routine of life once all settles.

I preached my first sermon in class last week. It was nerve racking… never in my life have I thought about the words I use so much, and what I learned is that even the time I spent was not enough. I got a B+ on the sermon… that was hard for me. I do not want to be a B+ preacher. I know this is one of my gifts and I know what a good sermon looks and feels like. Now I have just got to get it done. It was rather heart breaking on Wednesday to hear I got a B+, mainly, because I was disappointed in myself. I knew the sermon had rough edges. And I knew that on some level I was not completely connecting with the message I was trying to convey. I just could not put my finger on what I was working towards. What I found through my discussion with Nancy, was that I was actually working to point towards the joy found when one finds a place where they belong – the Joy ignited in acceptance and respect. It was a beautiful sermon… it just needed some more time spent working through the content.

Paul’s words today were refreshing and prophetic. How quickly do you desert… We are so quick to let go of our commitments. I find this to be one of my bigger struggles. Life pulls me in many different directions. How does a preacher stay committed to the disciple of sermon prep when life happens all around… pulling us in innumerous directions? There is so much of life that can distract us from our commitments. I have got to put priority to what is important to me.

Paul also speaks to his motivation for doing his work? Is it for the approval of God or people? What an important question. Yesterday, I just found myself feeling really inadequate. I was scared to death of the looming constructive theology paper. My sermon was a B+. I met with Connie and was met with all kinds of questions about my qualifications. It was overwhelming. Will I ever be good enough??? Needless to say, this is one of my core issues – feeling inadequate. When I start looking outside myself for approval, I quickly find myself traveling down the dark road of inadequacy. That is not the journey of light and life to which Christ leads us to, and it is not the road that allows my life to be whole and fulfilling. Let me be better to myself. May I return to the commitment of self care that inspired me to begin this journal… may I find contentment within…

Humility Draws Us to a Deeper Love

Romans 12: 9-21

“Bless those who persecute you.” Oh, Paul, but do I have to? REALLY?!? When I am forced to think about where my journey is most distant from the way of Jesus, Paul’s declaration here gets at the heart of my lacking. I do not want to bless those who persecute me. I lived in that world long enough, and I have heard the lies and evil that is spoken from those who would persecute me. There was a great deal of pain and confusion that were created in my life as a result. So at this point in my life, I do not want to make them feel good or feed them or offer hospitality to them. In fact, I find great fulfillment through the active admonishment of them.

Yes, this is an honest confession.

Here today, however, I am finding myself once again convicted of perpetuating the cycle of hate. There is nothing less Christ-like than exchanging hate for hate and nothing life giving that comes from it. In fact, if I was completely honest with myself, I would have to admit that letting myself get stuck in the bitterness, anger and resentment I generate in response to this persecution only leaves me feeling more empty and helpless.

So, the questions that now bubble to the surface are, “How do I create change in this area of my life? How can I stop the cycle?” Well, I think Paul’s letter gives me some good clues. Earlier in his letter Paul reminds us, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God found in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” And then he also says, “God has imprisoned all in disobedience so that [s]he may be merciful to all.”

Humility in the present moment, Geoff. Humility. “Let love be genuine; hate was is evil and hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection.” “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

Well, Paul. It was just a couple of days ago that you had my head spinning in anger towards you and now today, your words have left me a true gift.

May I be gifted with the wisdom to settle deeply into humility and hold tightly to what is good in all. May it be so, Lord. Amen.

Standing in Wonderment

Romans 11:33-36

The weather is beautiful today. The sun warm; the breeze is cool; and I am finding myself in awe of this Monarch butterfly that is gingerly floating from flower to flower. She is so delicate and tiny. As she lands on a flower to feed, the stem never bends to acknowledge her presence. And as quickly as she comes, she is gone again, fluttering away, carried on the breeze.

What a beautiful image. What a beautiful piece of creation, that has led me into an attitude of praise. It is awe inspiring to contemplate the intricacies of creation. The interconnectedness of all that is. What a gift to be able to experience the presence of a butterfly this afternoon and to be able to consider, for a brief moment, just how delicate, elaborate, and alive this one butterfly is.

So, just as Paul gives praise for the beauty of this new worldview, I stand in wonderment for the beauty that is found in acknowledging the Life Force that puts all of this that surrounds me in motion. “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen.”

Expanding the Boundaries

Romans 11:25-32

This morning, a memory has flashed up for me, taking me back to my high school calculus class. On this particular day, we were starting a new section in the Calculus text book. Up to this point we had been reviewing all that we had learned in past classes and looking at the concepts from slightly different perspectives, introducing us to some of the basics of Calculus. However, this morning was going to be different, because this morning we were beginning to get introduced to Calculus Theory. “Absolute Zero.” Ms. Haddock spent the entire class period trying to explain to us the concept of “zero.” How in mathematics you can never actually get to zero, because it is a non-number. You can always add one more number to the end of the decimal and get one more step closer to zero, but in actuality, zero does not exist.

Our heads’ were spinning. “How can there be no zero?” “If you divide something by zero, you get zero.” “If I give all my money away, I have ‘zero’ dollars.” This concept was so abstract to us, that we could not wrap our heads around the idea. Our entire class period was spent by us, the students, arguing proven calculus theory with Ms. Haddock, the resident expert on the issue.

This memory has stuck with me, mainly because I think this was the first moment in my life that I can remember encountering a concept so far outside of my worldview that I found myself simply baffled by the new reality it was creating for me.

I’m seeing Paul struggling here in much the same way with his letter to the Romans. He is trying to explain a radical new way of understanding how YHWH God is working in the world. How do we include those who are ‘outside’ the covenant? How do we, as the outsiders, welcome those who are not welcoming to us? And what does this new way of living and moving and being in the world have to say about God?

I can just imagine the looks on the people’s faces. The Gentiles are completely dumbfounded! "All that we have known is that we are not welcome in this Jewish community, and now we are welcome?" "And we don’t have to do anything or pay anything, or “cut off” anything, in order to belong?"

And the Jews are baffled as well – “What do you mean God’s covenant in Abraham is for people who are outside the covenant?” “You are trying to tell me those “unclean folk” are privileged to the promises of God?”

It’s an argument of boundaries. For generations, the Hebrew people knew who they were by setting themselves apart from others, through the Law. Now Paul is rhetorically, figuratively, and literally turning the Jewish worldview on its head. The question now for Paul should be, "Is the old Law and covenant to be done away with?" – No, absolutely not, at least not for the Jews! But, what Paul is saying is that God is bigger. God is bigger than any of us could have ever imagined. God, who is revealed to us in Jesus Christ, is expanding the boundaries.

That’s something we’re still trying to wrap our heads around today. What does it mean to have a God who is calling us to expand the boundaries? What does it mean to turn a worldview on it’s head and say God is bigger – bigger than we could have ever imagined?