Feeling Full in a Half Empty World

Galatians 1:1-10

Wow… what a crazy two weeks it has been. Two weekends ago was FallFest, and at the last minute I was needed to go as our sponsor. That was fine until I was also needed to be a small group leader, which left me no time to work on homework over the weekend. The following weekend was my birthday weekend, and as things played out, most of my weekend was booked. On Sunday, the pumpkins arrived, which tied up most of the afternoon, and then, that evening, was board meeting. So needless to say, I have found myself slacking on my commitment to myself and my journal. Oh well, such is life… sometimes we need to give ourselves some grace and then step back into the routine of life once all settles.

I preached my first sermon in class last week. It was nerve racking… never in my life have I thought about the words I use so much, and what I learned is that even the time I spent was not enough. I got a B+ on the sermon… that was hard for me. I do not want to be a B+ preacher. I know this is one of my gifts and I know what a good sermon looks and feels like. Now I have just got to get it done. It was rather heart breaking on Wednesday to hear I got a B+, mainly, because I was disappointed in myself. I knew the sermon had rough edges. And I knew that on some level I was not completely connecting with the message I was trying to convey. I just could not put my finger on what I was working towards. What I found through my discussion with Nancy, was that I was actually working to point towards the joy found when one finds a place where they belong – the Joy ignited in acceptance and respect. It was a beautiful sermon… it just needed some more time spent working through the content.

Paul’s words today were refreshing and prophetic. How quickly do you desert… We are so quick to let go of our commitments. I find this to be one of my bigger struggles. Life pulls me in many different directions. How does a preacher stay committed to the disciple of sermon prep when life happens all around… pulling us in innumerous directions? There is so much of life that can distract us from our commitments. I have got to put priority to what is important to me.

Paul also speaks to his motivation for doing his work? Is it for the approval of God or people? What an important question. Yesterday, I just found myself feeling really inadequate. I was scared to death of the looming constructive theology paper. My sermon was a B+. I met with Connie and was met with all kinds of questions about my qualifications. It was overwhelming. Will I ever be good enough??? Needless to say, this is one of my core issues – feeling inadequate. When I start looking outside myself for approval, I quickly find myself traveling down the dark road of inadequacy. That is not the journey of light and life to which Christ leads us to, and it is not the road that allows my life to be whole and fulfilling. Let me be better to myself. May I return to the commitment of self care that inspired me to begin this journal… may I find contentment within…